Thankful for This Life

I've been a bad blog poster lately and I feel like I missed probably one of the most important blog topics: the spirit of Thanksgiving. Even though I'm a week late, the reason for this holiday is one that is important to me and I was reminded of why these past few weeks in a number of ways.

I've had such a crazy year with starting a new job, moving to a new city, going through a time where I thought I could be living anywhere in the country, getting engaged, going on trips, losing my grandfather, dealing with some tough family issues (more on that later), and through it all I have really come back to positivity and thankfulness. I know it sounds cheesy, but it really helps me to think this way when I am down and having a hard time. I try to think how small my current issue is compared to those who are suffering from illness, hungry, homeless or worse. I know my life isn't perfect, but I am constantly striving to make it as a healthy, strong young woman.

This Thanksgiving season I reflected on what I am most thankful for. It would definitely be the special people in my life that allow me to unwind and be myself. These are my family, fiance and friends. F cubed, if you will. I am so extremely lucky to have great people in my life.

I am thankful to be employed and have financial security to pay for what I need in life. These last few years have been downright terrible for many, with layoffs and the unemployment rate sky-rocketing. I try not to complain too much about working or waking up early, although its not always easy. I think my main frustration with my job right now is the commute. I live only 12 miles away and it takes me nearly an hour each way, sometimes more. We plan to move closer to my job next summer when our lease is up to solve this issue, so stay tuned!

This year I'm especially thankful for love. I feel like Jake and I are in the strongest part of our relationship ever. As we are about to celebrate 7 years of "us" at the end of this month, I'm thankful that we have grown together each day rather than farther apart. Its so fun to reflect back on our dating years and all the crazy things we have done together. We are thrilled that we have come to this point in our lives where we are ready to commit to each other forever. I know the road will not always be easy, especially with Jake's new career aspirations, but I feel like we will get through it like we always have, with humor, love and a deep respect for each others needs. I also love the partner I've become this year in trying to support Jake in all of his new endeavors. I feel like we are constantly talking about what he is learning, how to prepare for interviews, conducting mock interviews with magazine cutouts, and meeting all of his new classmates. Its been such a blast to see him so happy and working hard to achieve his goals. I cant wait to see what life has in store for us!

This year has not all been a bed of roses. My family has gone through a very trying time this year stemming from some trouble my brother got himself into. Without going into too much back history, Chris used to struggle with a prescription drug problem. I know he started experimenting shortly after my parents were divorced but the situation quickly escalated once he started having seizures. Through my parents' guidance, he was able to overcome his problem and was doing better working for my dad. At some point he was pulled over for posession and was placed on probation. He had to serve community service and attend drug and alcohol classes. One more ticket later, the probation officer told him he was on thin ice and better finish his classes ASAP. Meanwhile, my dad was planning a family trip for my dad, brother and I to spend a week in Hawaii, not realizing it was a violation of his probation. Long story short, the P.O. found out about the Hawaii trip after we got back and sent my little brother to jail. Unbeknownst to us all, Chris had been cited for a DUI and few weeks back and never told any of us. These charges earned him 3 months in county jail.

This had to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I was so sad that he had gotten himself there and I was so scared that he would be with a bunch of dangerous people. My parents and I visited him every weekend and tried to keep him positive. We sent him books and he was keeping a journal that was getting him through the time. One especially hard time was that I couldn't call him after Jake and I got engaged. He wanted to hug me and congratulate me at our next visit but couldn't. All visitors are separated by glass. It's definitely not how I imagined things for him or I, but we made the best of a crappy situation.

After 3 months, he was released and his probation started all over. I really saw a change in him when he first got out and came home, but after a few weeks he started going out with his friends every night. I really dont think they were doing anything wrong but going out to bars. He is 22 so that is perfectly legal, but what he doesn't seem to understand is that when you're on probation, you need to be especially careful and diligent in what you do. About a month later, he received a ticket while tailgating in the Angel stadium parking lot while drinking with his friends. I felt awful, but we knew this meant he would have to go back to jail. The tailgating ticket alone would be nothing to any of his other friends, but because of his prior infractions, it landed him in jail. I dont mean to make any of these infractions seem petty because they definitely aren't. I just wish he could start with a clean slate and move forward. I go back and forth all of the time between feeling sorry for him and being mad at him. Mad that he made these decisions and mad that he is putting our family through this. I just want it to be all over and have him home.

This time he will have been there a total of 4 months and will be getting out the day after Christmas. We have missed him on every holiday and on everyday he has not been at home. I have comfort in knowing this time around he is not with the dangerous people in jail, but working in the kitchen and bakery, which is supposed to be the best place you can be in the worst place in the world. Sometimes I feel absolutely helpless for my family and it tears me up that we could have prevented this by giving him more attention after our family was broken up. All I want to do now is remain positive for my baby brother and show him that he is loved. I've tried to visit him as much as possible and go to stay with my mom while she is hurting too. It's been an exhausting process since I've moved to LA, but I feel like I need to be there for them all. I just hope that when he gets out he is extra careful not to make one mis-step that will send him back to this awful place. Seeing him through the bulletproof glass again is just too much to bear.

Anyway, I am thankful that he will be coming home soon and we will celebrate Christmas with him a few days late. I think that he will sure be glad to get out and eat some real food.

Sorry for such a heavy post, but its been on my mind for months and I've never known what to say or do or how to act about things. I've been evasive and sad about it for awhile and it feels good to get it out.